...
anger, patience.
is it possible that for the passive aggressive, like myself, withholding
anger is a behavior spawned out of pride? it seems unbecoming to me, and
ineffective, to ever become angry. lately i have been kicking around the
idea that this is some kind of immodesty; i am a martyr and i can withstand
so much and remain calm or callous.
this behavior, as im sure any passive aggressive would say, is beneficial
because it doesnt give into the proddings and pokings of aggressive
behavior; but what does it do inside and to the relationship in the long
run? what is patience anyway; where do you end up when every emotion
experienced is in the cold, stainless cradle of reflection?
i feel like a caged animal is smoldering in my ribcage; malnourished and
underexpressed. emotins were a demon for me when i was young, hurt was the
predominant perspective i had on or against the world. how does a passive
aggressive reconcile themselves to unreflected, expressive outbursts? the
virtues of composure and patience it seems are vices for some of us: dodging
truthfulness, trying to be sincere rather than doing.
the immediacy of the human touch even seems uncompelling aside from the
radical collapse. only in that instant, where we finally allow ourselves to
implode, then immediacy and something comes out resembling the truthfulness
of anger or hurt or joy. its not the same, its catharsis; the stoics’
outburst. rather than an outward and compelling ecstasis, it is the ecstasis
of implosion and impulsion.